I have a memory of steel. I can look at a picture and remember the exact circumstances surrounding the moment the photo was shot–what I was feeling, what I ate last, what boy I was crushing on, what day of the week it was, and so on.
Time is my obsession.
I’m not proud of my attachment to time, because that’s just what it is – an attachment. And in my recovery, my search for peace and freedom, I’m trying to free myself of the addiction. I’m trying to learn to stay in the moment I’m in, and not wander back and forth in life.
This past semester of college has fallen from my grasp. It feels like last week I was walking through the crowded parking lot in my combat boots, palms sweaty from the August heat. Saddleback College, I was not excited to matriculate into you. I didn’t know where I was going then, what I was waiting for. I had no idea that two close, close people would drift away and new ones would enter. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t connect with a single person in my math class and that I’d drop two of my other courses. I didn’t know I’d ultimately kind of fail at the whole Saddleback deal.
The rumors are true: this community college is not that much different than Tesoro High School. Only difference is the addition of cigarette smoke.
Anyway, in August, I certainly didn’t know I’d choose to transfer and move to Berkeley – a city where I know only a few singular souls. I had no idea how quickly the few months would pass, that weeks would float in blinks of my eyes. But I suppose that’s the fun of life. The unknown. I suppose it is for the better that I didn’t know what was to come.
I’m sorry. I do this thing where I’m over dramatic and cheesy and trite and can we blame it on me being a Leo and move on and accept it? Thanks.
A month from today I’ll be moving from the town I’ve lived my entire life. And in this moment, I have no idea what will occur once I’m there. And, you know, I think I like that I don’t know what is to come. I enjoy the elation of seeing what occurs from minute to minute.
So, let’s get to it.