to tame my mind

Woke up before the alarm. I adore when this occurs, even if it’s because of morning-insomnia and I only fell asleep three hours before. I don’t mind the early rising after minimal sleep because I’m the idiot who adores mornings. It’s a bad sad day when I sleep through a morning as morning means an authentic experience of coffee.

Brush teeth. Wash face. Neti pot the nose. Stumble into the kitchen. Remember I’m out of coffee. No coffee. Tragedy. Hold back a sob. Brew “dark roast” mate from Manitou instead. I guzzle it with my bowl of steamed chard. Practice forty minutes of yoga to follow the hippie creek theme I got going.

Beloved dress from May 2009 and ripped black pants that are the only pants I seem capable of pulling on these days and giant boots that I can never get off and a cashmere sweater of warmth and a black “fitted” dunno jacket of love. Skip outside. Skip to the sun. Skip across G street and smile at the awkward boy on the corner with darting eyes and smile larger when darting boy smiles back to my original smile. Skip across the footbridge over the 101. Skip up the hills and stairs and into the HSU library. Realize that everyone is wearing flip flops and shorts and tank tops now that it’s finally in the high fifties yet I’m still in my frigid forty chill get up.

Don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care. I’m still shivering so I’ll only dress for the chill.

Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! One giant cup of joe and happiness and love with a some almond milk and stevia if available, but soy and honey will do, from the library cafe. Caffeine in hand, I fly up the gray stairs to second floor. Open my laptop. Pound out my Algebra final review test. Conquer the problems, resolve the issues, and make note of what I must revisit, guzzling the coffee and helping a frazzled boy find his glasses beneath a chair cushion too.

Swing back home with fresh refill in hand. Meow at the stray dog roaming free from the nomads in brown at the end of the footbridge. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Swirl into my apartment with energy. Chores. Trash to the dumpster. Dishes in the sink. Organize my pill holder. Try to get my brain in sync. Nibble nibble nibble chard wraps with mayo. I like mayo too much for my own good. Not real mayo. The yucky scary soy fat free white mush kind — it’s like heaven when wrapped in spinach. I sit at my desk and consider the possibility that I drink too much caffeine, but debut the idea quickly. “No! No! No! Not me!” I scream to the spider lurking up my window. “Need more more more caffeine!”

Study some more. Converse with my roommate. Meet her potential future roommate as in one week from tomorrow I am no longer her roommate. Do some essay editing. Loaf on my floor for six minutes. Study some more. Look at the clock. Uh oh uh oh uh oh! Throw portfolio into bag and rush down 16th to I Street, to school, to my last English class of the semester. The clock sleeps. The workshops make me weep. I don’t need these “activities” to revise so I am giddy when it was finally “you may leave” time.

Wander the breezy near-dusk town. Purchase food so that I can eat, picked up Benadryl so I can sleep, and deposit a check from Colorado named out to me. Up up up the hills, finger tips aching and eyes feeling the weight of the day and the lack of last night’s sleep. What is this absurdity? Home! It is home for just one more week! Eat more greens and stare at the sky from my clear view window and watch the dust fly and drink seven cups of tea and sit at my desk which is really an old card table and will no longer be mine in just ONE week and study study study and practice practice practice my mathematical abilities.

And now it is eleven pm and is that early, so very early, or just utterly late? I can’t say these days. One evening I’m tumbling at four in morning, brain lurking the world. The next I’m zonked and drugged and innocent by 9:30. But I recently took an Ambien and Benadryl and something more and brushed my teeth and before me is a cup of Sleepytime tea, so that must mean that bed time has arrived. Time to sleep. Time to sleep. Time to tame your soul and let your terrors go, your dreams will now take hold.