one month

One month from today I hand in my last final and I hit the road.
The 101 for the last time. South, I will go.
One month from today I can finally say goodbye to this foggy phase.
So long, farewell — I already have the song in mind. I’m ready to hit play.
One month from today I will be in route to my next set of days.
Colorado College. Psychology of Emotion. Creative Writing Workshop.
I’m ready to get my ass academically slaughtered.
I try not to think about it too much. About the Colorado College thing.
Because my extreme excitement is rather horrifying. It means I have a lot at stake, a lot to loose.
Regardless, I can’t even express how thankful I am for the opportunity.
That sounds like a bag of rotted weeds. “Opportunity gratitude.” But it’s true.
I can’t believe it’s actually happening.
I’m also obviously excited for Colorado Springs in general. My home. My friends. My old condo.
Summer and heat and manic lightening sparking with 4th of July fireworks in that studded mountain night sky. The sun! The SUN! THE FREAKING HOT BALL OF FIRE DEAR GOD THE SUN!
What can I say? I can’t escape my UV-ray abundant childhood. It’s embedded in me.
No matter how much I moan and piss about it, the sun can be nice.
And I’m really beyond exhausted of the general bleakness that is Humboldt County.

I usually try to live in the moment. I think I’ve made that statement about 56 times in the 3 years that I’ve had this blog and every time I write it, I feel like a pretentious hippie ass. But it’s true, it’s necessary, and I do attempt to be in the “now”. I’m always jumping to the “next big thing”, packing for that next move, that upcoming trip, so much so that I have to make a conscious effort to just stop. Just be here. Right now, wherever that may be.

But todays like today, weeks like this week, when that hollowed bleakness settles into my lungs and I can’t even fucking scream because I am so suffocated, so disgustingly and simply sad, I find it helpful to look ahead. To remember my purpose, as lame as that may sound. I mean, you have to strive for something. And for the last eight months Colorado College has literally been my beacon. The concept of going there — if only for this one summer, for this one shot, this experience, regardless of what happens beyond August — has been a salvation. I have a whole 3000 words written on this subject, on why this random school has given me such enthusiasm, why it means so much to me (and I’ll fill you in on a secret: it’s NOT just because it’s located in my beloved Springs), my CC “history” (I’M SO RIDICULOUS), but I’m holding off on posting it. It’s rather embarrassing.

Who am I kidding? Everything I post here is humiliating. That’s part of the fun.

But anyway, point is (because I really want to finish this so I can do some yoga and attempt to go to bed as these late night blogging binges are REALLY unhealthy for my sleep as they get me all pumped up on random wordy energy), for me to say that in one month I’m on my way to CC (with a slight detour to Orange County first) , well, it it fills me with such absolute ease and thrill.

Can you even be at ease and thrilled at the same time? I think so. Maybe not? Whatever. I am here to say that you can, because I SO AM RIGHT NOW!

My hope for this last month in Humboldt is (no surprises tonight) to be here. To finish this semester off with enthusiasm, with gratitude (stop me now I’m ripening with age), as I’m honestly so thankful that I moved here. It’s been a struggle. It’s been weird and random. But it’s also been rather beautiful. Plus, it’ll feel rather superb having a few more classes under my belt. (But no astronomy. That’s a sad ramble for another day, but to quote my dad, who quoted Kenny Roggers: You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. Yeah. I’m done now.)

Long story short: