blood and what not

Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.
I'm bloody grateful tonight.


So grateful that I cried in front of my screen on my parents' living room rug when it hit me what had happened. What's happening. My mother thought I made a nice image. Perks of temporarily living with your parents include nice writing rooms and paparazzi (and so, so much more).

What's happened: another revision finished thanks to Pitch Wars. I've never revealed titles on this little blog, because titles always feel so temporary and I like to hide, but can I reveal this one, maybe, please? NOTHING LEFT TO BURN. Another attempt at the story I first told when I was thirteen and fourteen and again at fifteen and seventeen and then twenty and again at twenty-two. Twenty-two, last winter, that's when I tossed out the old plot and a few characters and gave it one last sprint. That's when I gave my protagonist a fire to chase and found a fire fighting boy stuck in a lie with guilt you can taste and changed the timeline from six months to a single day.

And now, twenty-three, my revision of that sprint is complete. It won't be the last revision, possibly not the last sprint. But it feels good. It feels damn good to consider what this story was in 2005 and what it is tonight in 2014.

So grateful to so many. Almost a decade. Those who said yes and who said no and who read and shredded my pages and underlined lines and ate giant slices of almond cake with me under silly deadlines and who sent emails I didn't deserve and read and reread and read and reread and critiqued and believed in this crazy thing. Most recently, I want to smother Rachel with hugs, for choosing me and the final push and the love and just being there, being here.

Obviously this isn't the end. Nothing may come of this revision, this manuscript, but I'm closer and I didn't give up in 2005 and I won't forget it in 2015. This story is in my bones. Always will be, no matter its outcome. I don't remember my life before thirteen, before my mind was threaded with this voice, the smoke. It's so ingrained. And I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm damn blessed by the love and persistence that's kept me going. Family and friends and community. The luxury to make writing a part of my everyday.

Like I said, I'm bloody grateful.